They say if you keep doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results, it’s insanity. So, I decided to try something different since before I don’t always pick winners which you can read more on here. We’re going to try online dating and accept a date from a guy whom I’m not attracted to or rather than is not my type physically but yet he still has some good lines on his bio… but have zero expectations since the last few have been bad eggs. Basically, I don’t want to get my hopes up.
We will call him king tut. As this boy was an ego manic, narc, manipulative, user, player who is out only for him and himself. I mean the guy thought he was THE best but labeled himself as christian and someone who desires a lot of simliar values (which I believe he does) it’s actually just not his priority right now. Getting off by manipulation is.
King tut was good from afar but far from good.
Some context: his age was a bit young for me as I tend to go for a bit older guys and a guy in his late 20’s (from my experience) are just boys that are confused since 33 is the ripe age of somewhat higher levels of emotional maturity. I am not generalizing, I am basing this off MY experience, solely. He did have Christian in his profile and seeking marriage/life partner as well. But other than that, wasn’t really feeling it however, just try something new was my mindset. As of lately, I’ve prayed before going out on dates and I heard “walk away” with this guy. I wasn’t sure if it was my anxiety that was speaking or the Holy Spirit but either or I didn’t listen since I justified it by having a different mindset this time around and it’s one dinner… so what could hurt.
“I want marriage too, I want to be a father, I want to travel, I love our conversations and how we can go deep it’s stimulating and awesome, you’re unique, do you have any idea of how special you are, I’m sorry on behalf of the other douche bag guys and players out there because you don’t deserve what they did to you, If this doesn’t work know there are still good Christian guys out there”… were just some things he said to me throughout our few dates together. Lines I’ve heard countless times but also lines that gave me hesitation to keep going forward.
I stayed longer than I liked (but not 10 months long, only a few weeks) I stayed the amount I did, well because the connection, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (kinda) was like none other. It was liberating and exhilarating, I wanted more and more, every time we hung out, it was new and it was genuine good fun from my end at least.
Let me say this first: I stand by this through and through ladies. If a guy is into you you will know, period. He will make time for you no matter how busy. He will try to speak to you even if it’s inconvenient. If he has strong morals and respects women he will respect the shared boundaries and not push, period.
This experience was quite the opposite. This experience I justified every single action of this boy due to the different mindset I was set in. I figured his slowness was his past experiences he shared, and he was afraid, rightfully so. He asked for patience too and I gave him that. I also interpreted his spaced-out sporadic communication because the guy was insanely busy and a social butterfly. It gets even better; I thought our last interaction before he left for 3+ weeks that seeing someone for half a day and a make out was a good sign and that there was nothing to worry about whilst he was gone.
WRONG ON ALL LEVELS.
A narc is someone who believes his own lies, a narc tells you flat out lies and claims it happened, a narc is someone who is full of themselves and brags on how many concubines they have and how well-endowed he is, a narc is someone who will say anything he can with his smooth talking words, looks and physical touch, a narc will breadcrumb you enough to keep you around, a narc will pressure you into physical intimacy and manipulate you into doing what you said you don’t do, a narc can be someone who is in the profession of sales as they know how to close a deal and they’re good looking being the face of the company, his ego was bigger than his endowed male part as he bragged multiple occasions on that… awkward I know. A narc is someone who never compliments you, a narc will only show attention if it’s physical intimacy they are after. A narc speaks only about their life and rarely asks about your life and or question about you.
Here’s the thing. I am fully aware I have a choice in all this. I had a choice to continue all this behavior and none-sense that I went through, yes. Words are just words and without actions, they actually are empty words. Someone who says they’re Christian but yet shows no fruit and does what he did is not someone I want to be with let alone date. I feel very embarrassed at what happened and being here, again. It sucks. It’s demoralizing that I am here again. It’s heartbreaking to know that everything was manipulation tied up in a pretty bow just to sleep with me. It’s disgusting but yet I am the mean, passive aggressive one for calling him out for who he was: a player who lead me one and used me. Literally, he said I was mean as if was a child throwing a tantrum. Well, I responded as directly as I could and with: “you’re a silly confused little boy.” I learned to trust someone again and look what happened, shot myself in the foot. It was really sad actually and unfortunate, but everything is a learning situation if you see it as that and I want to choose to see it as that even though I also see myself as another number to him and how much his ego was stroked throughout our time plus waiting for him when he was away too.
For me, it’s so hard to understand why these narcs and boys do what they do and get away with what they do. I know I will never understand as it’s all principle for me. As I have outside sources who have confirmed his behavior and they too have been played by the player himself. I get it though, we are all broken and have fallen short. We all make mistakes and hurt people but it’s one thing to make a mistake and it’s another for it to be a pattern that is diligently chosen over and over again. I have grace for mistakes but for behavior like this, no. And by no, I mean I will not go forward and enable I will call it how it is, whether he doesn’t bat an eye or not, I am someone who will speak my mind especially when it’s toxic behavior like this. Society doesn’t praise healthy behavior; society praises the player mentality and narcs which is why he is still out here doing what he does. It’s disgusting taking advantage of naive women who are looking for something wholesome whilst he’s looking for a quick release. I mean, my guy, just go blow it off in the shower by yourself.
Processing this experience with others they shared the classic: it has to get better, and I need to kiss a lot of frogs. But here’s the thing, my experience with Christian and non-Christian guys has all been the same. My pick of the litter has not been ideal so unfortunately, I don’t have hope in my future with marriage/relationships after this guy. It’s been back-to-back of multiple liars, narcs, players, and manipulators. I’m exhausted, I’m hurt, I’m confused, I’m sad, I’m angry and just flat out pooped from the consistency of all of it, even my ego too. We need a break. I do see the positives in this situation and where I could’ve stood stronger in the boundary setting but if I am honest my mind is in the scarcity mindset. Meaning I will hold on to even the bad ones because the good ones are nowhere to be found. Especially when you live in one of the hardest places to date in the country with the standards and morals I uphold.
Where is the man with integrity? With strong morals and standards, respect for himself and the woman he is pursing, fruit, ownership/responsibility, maturity, and honesty. Where is the man who wants to work through struggles and flaws together? Where is the man who is a man and can protect me and make me feel safe? Where is the man who can handle conflict and hard conversation. Where is the man who wants to be with me for me and not what I can give him or my looks/body. To be clear as I hear from a lot of guys, I am not asking for perfection; I am just asking for someone to show up and be a teammate. This guy, that I shared about thinks he’s king tut, and his shit doesn’t stink. Well news flash, we all have trauma, past issues, and current baggage that makes all our shit stink no matter how much you try to cover it up. Where’s the guy that wants to work through it together and sees me for more than my flaws? Is he even real?
I don’t have encouragement this time around as I don’t even believe in love for myself if I am completely honest. But what I hope to share in all this is: listen to what he says, collect data, look at his actions, keep collecting data and gauge from the start to now what you see and what information have you gathered. What are his actions saying… because if he likes you, you will not be googling: how to know if a guy likes me or I think he likes me but how can I tell. Mixed signals are his answers no matter how good looking, sexually compatible or wordsmith he may be.
If you feel like an island like I do right now, I’m here with you. We’re in this together, exhausted and confused. We can be exhausted, confused, and sad together.